When Do You Throw in the Towel?

I've thought alot about whether or not to publish this entry, largely because it's so depressing, but also because it shows you my inner coward.

I had a lesson today. Rain spooked at some people having a jumping lesson in the arena next to us. I came off. I wasn't hurt, and I popped right up to join my trainer in the chase for my mare, who was running back to her stall, tail flagged and snorting.

I said to one of the other boarders, "Dude, I am so tired of coming off of this horse." I have listened to more than one person tell me that my mare is a handful. Saying she's a handful is a nice way of putting it. I have made "unplanned landings" off of this horse more times in 3 months than I ever did in the 3 years I spent leasing other horses. She was easy when I first got her; she was at least 100 pounds underweight, and had no energy. She's pretty much up to weight now, and feels good. And while I'm extremely happy that she no longer looks like a rescue case, and I'm glad that she feels good, sometimes I wish she still lacked the desire to go faster than trot.

During a walk break in my lesson today, I confessed to Trainer that when I ride lately, I spend so much time being scared that I accomplish pretty much nothing when I school. She acknowledged that she could see that. I asked what I'm supposed to do about it. Her suggestion was to essentially keep Rain's brain occupied well enough in schooling (through transitions, direction changes, etc) that she won't get a chance to act stupid. In theory, I get that. In practice, telling myself to push her forward when all I want to do is go fetal is another story.

I know that all of these issues we're having could be solved with more training (preferably from a professional). If I had the money to put her in full- or even part-training, she could move past this stuff. Unfortunately, I lack the money to put her there.

Here is a completely unrelated picture of my adorable, rescued-from-the-pound Catahoula, Tuffy.
Crashed out on the sofa.  Tuffy has been my best buddy for more than a year now. She's pretty much my baby.

I had high hopes that I could bring Rain along myself. I've been questioning lately, though, if I lack the skills and the cojones to do it. I feel like I spend so much time being scared when on my horse, that I fail to have fun. We have fun moments, but they're overshadowed by the fear. And I know well enough that falling off happens, and that riding and horses aren't necessarily always fun- sometimes they really suck. This hobby costs me way too much money not to have fun doing it, at least not to to be enjoying it most of the time; particularly when I don't have a job.

Rain is the first horse I've ever owned. Getting my own horse was literally a dream come true for me. I've leased and shown other horses, and I've taken lots of lessons on other horses. I've been riding for the better half of my life. But this mare confounds me; the reality has fallen a little short of the dream.

Which brings me to the title of this post. When do you throw in the towel? If you don't have the experience/desire/money/motivation/whatever to deal with a particular horse, when do you say "OK, both horse and I would be better off without each other"? When are you just a quitter, and when are you doing what's in the best interest of you and the horse? Rain has the potential to be an awesome horse for someone. I'm just wondering if that person is me. I hate the idea that the thing I waited for for most of my life may not be right for me. To say "OK, I finally got my wish, but now I'm thinking that I did the wrong thing." That is extremely hard for me. I love horses, I still want to ride, I still want to have my own. I just don't know if I chose the right horse for me. Admitting that maybe I made a mistake in choosing this particular animal is hard to contemplate; admitting that maybe I'm in over my head. Where she would go if I did get rid of her; if she would end up in a bad place, is a completely separate issue, and another fear.